How Florida’s Grinch Privatized Classrooms
Dedicated to the fearless Whos of Florida—the teachers, staff, and advocates who protect our schools every day. You are the heart of our democracy and I appreciate you all.
Every Who down in Florida liked their schools a lot… But the Grinch, in the Turlington building, Did NOT! The Grinch hated public schools! The whole public school system!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be the “woke” or the book-banning regions. It might be he’s blinded by private-school light. It could be, perhaps, his dogma’s too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all, was his goal of privatizing public schools’ fall.
Whatever the reason, his dogma or views, He stood there on Sunday, hating the Whos. Staring down from his tower with a sour, Grinchy frown, at the bright painted classrooms all over the town. “They love learning!” he snarled, with a sneer and a hiss,“Tomorrow is Monday! I must stop all of this!”
Then he growled, with a plan that was dark and conniving, “I MUST find some way to keep public schools from thriving! But how?” Then he got an idea! An awful idea! The Grinch got a wonderful, awful idea!
“I know just what to do!” the Grinch hissed with a grin, “I’ll open the doors and let the great grift begin! I’ll call it a ‘Scholarship!’ I’ll call it ‘School Choice!’ While I gut public funding and silence their voice!”
He logged onto X with his Nastygram laws, and he paused for a moment to sharpen his claws. “I’ll take all their tax-base! I’ll take every cent! I’ll let charters collocate without paying rent!”
“I’ll squeeze out the classrooms! I’ll crowd out the halls! Until ‘Public’ is nothing but four empty walls! I’ll marketize music! I’ll monetize art! I’ll break every public-run schoolhouse’s heart!
And when they are struggling and failing to thrive, I’ll say, ‘Only the Private are meant to survive!’”
Brief Interlude (To be sung with a deep, gravelly sneer)
You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch, You’re a grifter in a tie. You peddle “Schools of Hope” nonsense, while you let the public die. Mr. Grinch!
Your soul is an appalling dump-heap, overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of culture-war censorship, corporate cronyism, and jaw-dropping voucher audits imaginable, mangled up in tangled-up, Nastygrammed spin!
The Optimistic Finale
Then he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound rising loud, rising clear. It started in Duval. It started in Dade. From the Keys to the Panhandle’s pine-covered shade. It wasn’t a cry! It wasn’t a moan! It wasn’t the sound of a school left alone!
He stared down at Florida! The Grinch popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Who down in Florida, the tall and the small, was standing in circles to guard every wall! They gathered with posters! They gathered with pride! With parents and teachers all stood side-by-side!
He hadn’t stopped thriving! It came just the same! It came despite vouchers and big corporate names! And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the sand, stood puzzling and puzzling: “How can they still stand?”
“It came without lobbyist kickbacks or fees! It came despite Nastygrams, X’s, and decrees! They’re protecting the library! Protecting the halls! They’re answering each public school’s calls!”
And he puzzled for hours, till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! “Maybe schooling shouldn’t be sold in a mall. Maybe public education… is worth fighting for, after all!”
But he didn’t join in. No, he didn’t grow kind. He just stood there defeated with his small, narrow mind. For the “Choice” he had offered was a hollow-shell lie, for the Public chose Public—which no money should buy. He slunk to his office, his power was gone, while Who public school students kept learning right on.
With apologies to the great Dr. Seuss.